What to do

So, there's a girl. I'm not really sure how it came about. I really like her and no one else. What do you do when you think about someone so much that if they knew, they'd be annoyed. I haven't had this problem since "her". I feel like we hit it off the couple of times that we've seen each other. We talk and laugh a lot. Not too much. All-in-all it seems like a potentially great thing. She makes me nervous. So nervous that I forget that I'm not the guy who gets nervous around girls. It's a paradox. Anywho, so as much as I like this girl, I am trying not to screw it up like I have with some of the other girls in the past. Not calling or bugging her too much, even though I am genuinely interested in everything that she has to say and how her day is going. Not to keep track of her, just to know her. I think of her and wonder if she's thinking of me. It could be a problem.

Anyway, she went out with her ex boyfriend tonight and blew me off because they had to talk. I don't want to control her. I'm just worried about my chances. :( What if he is back to profess his love for her? I don't know the conditions of their break-up. I don't even know how long ago it was. There are just too many variables here and it's making me sick to my stomach like I don't know what to do.

I just had to tell someone.

Not For Profit

I am at work. Well, it's not really "work" per se because I am not getting paid for it. I am the little bitch of a not for profit organization. I do whatever they want me to do, whenever they want me to do it. It's kind of sad. I wonder to myself, "Why did I take this position?" It wasn't for the joy of doing something good in the world. I'm already pretty pleased with my community output. It wasn't for experience. All I do is sit on the computer until called to complete some menial task.

I will take this as a learning experience. Now I know that I do not belong in this sector of business. I need compensation. I need compensation on a massive level. I'm hoping that maybe this sacrifice of time will pay off with a larger starting salary in the future.

In Europe

Hello hello,

Well, I'm in europe right now so this blog has kind of taken a backseat to that. If you want to hear all about it though, I'm blogging on a different space. www.athomineurope.blogspot.com

Less than 2 weeks.

Here I am, sitting, waiting, wishing. I have nothing really to keep me company, save for my computer and my workouts. The family has decided to make a stop here before we all go on to Atlanta for grandmother's birthday. Everyone is forced to "love" her and it is kind of annoying. Everyone is always "so" happy to see her but they can never spend more than a few days with her. While, my mother and I have to deal with her constantly. She yells, she's mean, she believes that she is entitled to everything. I find myself not being able to tolerate her attitudes for long periods of time. Long being more that 5 minutes or so. I know, it's a problem, but I can't deal with entitlement. 

Anyway, I just want to be on my trip. This is probably one of the better things to happen to me in a while. I get a chance to be out of the country on my own, use my Spanish, and explore the world a little bit more. My father, again, has not contributed any money, or time, to my trip. I have less than two weeks to go until my trip and I cannot wait!

Bored in Tennessee

I feel like this may be a recurring theme, me bored in a foreign city with no friends. Now I am just killing time before I leave the country and this house. I have watched just about every season that I can think of. Done most, if not all of my work, and driven arbitrarily around the town. I'm running out of options but I still have over a month to go until I leave. I work out, I watch tv, I eat some, and I clean. It's very repetitive. I quit looking for a job because no one in their right mind would hire for just one month. So, I continue to sit on my slightly uncomfortable couch and do nothing.

I need more time!

So, I went on a date the other day! I know, it was a surprise for me too. I suck at dating. I know this. I'm not actually sure how, or why she went out with me. But she did and that's all that mattered. But anyway, that's not the focus of my story. The focus is that my Junior year is almost over. I'm not ready. I'm scared to being a senior because that means that my undergrad career is almost over and I have to face life. I'm not ready for real life. I was thinking that I will probably go on to Law school or something, just to put off life a little more. Honestly, I need more time. 

Writing.

So, in my "prime" I was a writer. Mostly songs and poems. But I was a writer, none-the-less. After some time, I stopped writing. I'm not exactly sure why. I just dropped it. It used to be my therapy. Something happens and I would write a poem or a song and just let it go. It was very therapeutic more of a catharsis than anything else. 

The good news is, I've started writing again. I've had a lot of things that I can't really just "Say" anymore. I have to express it. 

Today

Today was a bad day...

At least, it started off badly. I stayed up late last night preparing for the quiz and oral presentation that I had today. I was prepared. Everything was going to be fine. I had just gotten some bad test news and I was rededicated to learning things. Sadly, this morning, I overslept. Not just partially overslept. I slept through all of my classes this morning, not waking up until 1 o'clock. Well after my classes had ended. Then, after emailing my professors, I went to take a pee and would up locking myself out of my room in nothing more than a white undershirt and boxers. (I'm self-conscious and, going in public in that is very scary for me). After the my roommate graciously offered me some shorts and allowed me to borrow his phone, I walked to the ResLife office across campus to have them charge me 25 dollars so that I could get into my room...

Frustration

So, it turns out that my life and my problems are just a big joke to people. I have done some less than great stuff in my time. Many of which have been seen by public eyes. Well it turns out that two years later, people still find the need to not only talk about it, but to spread it. I was friends with this girl at the beginning of the year, just friends...nothing more. We would just hang out and chill. Then, shortly into the semester, the train began to roll...(this person told that person, that person told this person...etc) and my friend was told to stay away from me...The worst part is that they did! I didn't even get a "Hey, so I heard you did this two years ago. Is that true?" That I can take. But when people just take what everyone says at full value, then there is no way to escape the past. Little do they know, I worked and worked to gain control over myself. I admit that I was wrong for the action that I took. And I agree that there is no forgetting the issue. But, forgiveness is possible. If not, I will be forever marked a psyco. No good that I do can change the mindset of "people can't change" or "people can't grow". 

I will not be defeated. I stand with my head high while the stones of "redemption" fly. I will walk their miles and take their criticism. For, they do not know that they stand among kings. My time to rise and show the world the greatness inside of me will come. They will stand in awe.

RELAY FOR LIFE

Oh, my goodness. Relay is kicking my butt!

Valentine's Day Blues

So Valentine's day is right around the corner and once again I am to be without a date. This is going on 21 years of dateless Valentine's days. Those days in elemetary school don't count because the teacher just mixed them up and handed them out to everyone! :-) Well, my problem is that I have this girl that I like. But now-a-days you can't actually ask someone out on Valentine's day unless you plan on being with them seriously. I'm really into casual dating. I guess this is mainly because I'm never sure that it'll work out. I'm always sure that I'm interested in the girl but I don't know much past that. Like: are we compatible? Does she have little quirks that I think are annoying? Does she think that my little things are annoying? Is this a pity date? There are tons of things that are always going through my mind. Don't get me wrong...my self-esteem is fine. I think I'm sexy and I don't really care what others think. But I kinda care what the girl that I like thinks about me. That's not too strange.

Anyway, I went to this sorority date-night program tonight before studying. It was alright, It was a lot of people that I already knew. There were a couple that I didn't and that were cute. But you know, I never make moves. That could be why I'm so single. I'm so concerned with not being a hoe that I never take any chances on anyone. What is the proper time after being shot down by one girl to ask another girl out? That's a pretty sensitive time-frame, I'm sure. Really, i'd just be okay with getting to know some girl really well (exclusively) without being in a relationship. we'll see how this all works out.

Second Semester

So, it's second semester junior year. And with no end in sight, I continue my education. Why do I do this to myself? I load myself down with too many organizations and school and then it all goes downhill.