I am a bad person. Aren't the moral lessons that guide society supposed to be learned as a child and stick with up for the rest of our lives? Isn't that what is supposed to happen?

Perhaps I missed the lessons that were supposed to keep this behavior in check. If there is such a thing as Kharma, I am sure that I deserve a nasty dose of it. But perhaps, I do not, for I have put out lots of good vibes by doing "good" things.

Who knows. For now, I'll just live my life and see what happens.

Akil

Thoughts May 25

Here I sit with my music, computer and my thoughts. I can't say that I'm a terribly interesting person, however, I can not seem to find the means to get what I have in my head out onto paper (or in this case, internet). At present, I cannot even remember what I sat down here to write about in the first place.

So let's just start with whatever comes to mind. Real Life is all around me, threatening to consume me like a wave of responsibility. My friends are getting married and having children. Friends that I have spent 4 years with, and some that I have spent less time with. All make me feel like I need to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. But what am I trying to do? I'm running away to China. heh. I'm trying to escape the thralls of servitude to that hydra of responsibility by running off to Asia to teach English to Chinese teachers. What a coward I am.

I'm a flake and my friends know it. Recently I have gotten really into climbing and when I expressed my excitement at my newfound activity, my friends simply said that they were happy for me and that they, "hoped it lasts". Do I flit from thing to thing without any regard. If so, who can I attribute this trait to? Was it passed down through patriarchal lineage, matriarchal, or is it something that I developed over time? If the latter, how, when, where did I come upon the propensity to be such a flake? At any rate, here I am, engrossed with the sport...for now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Who am I? What is it that makes up my personality? I enjoy many things, but I cannot say that I am good at any ONE of them. Does that come from my flakiness? Is it impossible for me to devote the time to master any one thing? I could list things for you. But it is likely that I would forget most of the things that I enjoy simply due to the vastness of the list.

Shit, let's start now...

Things that I enjoy:

Music of all kinds

Playing Guitar, Saxophone, Clarinet

Outdoor Sports: running, mountain biking, rock climbing, swimming, volleyball

Golf

Soccer

Computers

Cooking

Shopping: Polo, Burberry, Armani, D&G,

Reading

Writing for pleasure

Languages

Cultures

Travel

Solitude

Problem-solving

Chess

Yoga

Exercise

Observing people

...

This broad list seems to cover things that I have enjoy. Some things I have been doing for years. Some, I've only engaged in for months and others for less than that. Oh well, this is me. I embrace it. I enjoy all aspects of life and neither could nor would I live it any differently.

Lessons

How much does it take for one person to stop being the way that he has always been and become better? Being back in America, I have fallen back into my old ways. (Driving less than a block away for something, consuming tons of energy for no specific purpose, speeding, and most detrimental, fast food.)

I want to change. I just feel like my environment is a contributing factor to me not changing at all.

I got another speeding ticket yesterday. I felt that I did not deserve this one. The state trooper, however, did not agree. So what am I to do? By the time the court date comes around I hope to have left the country but we'll see how that all comes together.

Stay true to yourself

Life List #29: Rock Climbing

Today, I have successfully completed number 29 on my Bucket list: To go rock climbing, for real. It was a good day. I can honestly say that I have been rock climbing (top roping, and bouldering) and I am hooked! It was such a rush, climbing up a rock after falling scores of times. The top roping wasn't something that I was particularly worried about, as I had done some climbing on on some of the tracks. It was more the bouldering that I feared and truly did prove the most difficult for me personally.

Now, after my first session, after blisters and painful fingers, and after sore forearms and an assortment of other muscles, I have made it to the top of my first boulder on two separate paths(called problems). It was such a good feeling to hang on to the top of the boulder, looking down at everyone around and then letting myself drift through the air back to the surface. I live for the summit. The only think that I can think about is when I'm going to go next.

Woot, Number 29, done. And another obsession has been fostered.

So begins this life

Well here we are at the end in the beginning. In one week I will be considered a college graduate and will be unleashed upon the world for it to deal with my rapacious appetite for success. However, the issue remains that I still do not know what I am going to do. I have all of these grand plans for where I'll be in 10 or 15 years but I never really thought about how I was going to get there or what I was going to do in the interim.

I am terribly frustrated and terribly scared.

I believe that the first job you take determines your salary for the rest of your working life. factoring in that most people change jobs once every 2 or 3 years and that many people receive a raise of about 2% per job change and we work for about 40 years, one can see where the math leads. I do not want to be stuck in a low-middle income lifestyle. I was meant for greater things and I just need to figure out the first step.

welcome to my conflict.

Well ladies and gentlemen,

I am well on my way to learning Mandarin, as I have been conditionally accepted into the TIP program in Beijing, China. There, while teaching English to adult secondary school teachers, I plan to gain a working knowledge of the language and culture.

I am sad to report, however, that I am much further behind on becoming a jazz and classical guitarist. THis is due, in large part, to the recent and brutal theft of my baby, Gloria. Police reports have been filled. Suspects have been accosted. And one girl remains the key suspect, as her prints were found on the passenger side door...time and time again.

I will keep you updated.

vaya con dios.